STUDY FLiGHT™ Humour Anecdotes in English

Anecdotes in English

Best collection of English Humour - anecdotes, jokes and funny stories

Best collection of English Humour: anecdotes, jokes and funny stories in English - part 1

This collection of English and American humor is for those who want to improve their reading skills. In learning English, the main driver of language skill growth is interest. That’s why we have gathered for you the best English and American anecdotes, jokes and short funny stories in English on this page.

How to use:

If you are an elementary language learner, try to understand the general meaning of the funny stories without translation. Translate only those words without which you cannot even get a general understanding of what the story is about.

If you have an intermediate level of English, try to understand the text without using a dictionary. The first time you read a text, try to catch the humor. The next time you read it, you can focus on the difficult parts.

If you have an advanced level of English, read these carefully selected anecdotes to further develop your fluency, learn about the cultural characteristics of English-language humor, and for your own enjoyment. You will expand your vocabulary and see the peculiarities of the use of English words and expressions in short humorous texts.

Some of the jokes contain humor for adults.

Seen on a restroom wall:
«God is dead: Nietzsche.
Nietzsche is dead: God.»

 

 

A Universal Philosophical Refutation

A philosopher once had the following dream.
First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, «Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your entire philosophy?» To the philosopher’s surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle couldn’t answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared. Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers’ objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn’t answer it and disappeared. Then all the famous philosophers of history appeared one-by-one and our philosopher refuted every one with the same objection. After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, «I know I’m asleep and dreaming all this. Yet I’ve found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!» With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief. The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written. It was, «That’s what you say.»

***

 

Math, Physics, & Philosophy

Dean, to the physics department. «Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn’t you be like the math department — all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.»

***

 

Tracker

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak… «woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.»
«That’s amazing» exclaimed the father. «You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground»?
«No», said the old tribesman. «They just ran over me five minutes ago!»

***

 

Sherlock Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. «Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.» Watson replied, «I see millions and millions of stars.»
«What does that tell you?» Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. «Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?»
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. «Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!»

***

 

Irish Wife

At the 1998 World Women’s Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: «At last year’s conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.»
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: «After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well.»
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: «After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.»

***

 

Language Problem

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: «Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time.» «You foul-mouthed swine,» retorted the lady indignantly. «In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!» «Hey, coola down lady,» said the man. «Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella «Mississippi»!

***

 

Genie In The Lamp

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said «OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, «I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?» The genie laughed and said, «That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!» The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, «I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say, ‘nothing’ . . . know how to make them truly happy . . .» The genie said, «You want that bridge with two lanes or four?»

***

 

Chemist’s Bad Day

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, «It’s the druggist — he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.» Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, «Now, just a minute — listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels — the phone is still ringing — when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife — she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!»

***

 

Shopping

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
He said, «You must be single.» The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, «Well, y’know, that’s right. But how in earth did you know that?
The drunk said, «Cause you’re uglier ‘n shit.»

***

 

Salesman of the Year

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, «Do you have any sales experience?» The kid says, «Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. «Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. «You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.» His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. «How many sales did you make today?» The kid says, «One.» The boss says, «Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?» Kid says, «$101,237.64.» Boss says, «$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?»
Kid says, «First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.» The boss said, «A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?»
Kid says, «No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing»

***

 

Advice

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, «Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, «Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?» «Hey, thanks!» the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, «Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?»
The farmer said, «Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.» The little old lady said, «I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?» The farmer said, «Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?» She replied, «Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.»

***

 

Sign of the Times

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, «Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?» The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, «Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?»
The attorney interrupts, «Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.»
The Godfather says, «Well ask him where my damn money is!» The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, «I don’t know what you are talking about.»
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, «He doesn’t know what you are talking about.»
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, «Ask him again where my damn money is!»
The attorney signs to the accountant, «He wants to know where it is!»
The accountant signs back, «OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!»
The Godfather says, «Well….what did he say?»
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, «He says…go to hell… ..that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.»

***

 

Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
«Look, it’s not the same hat.»
«Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.»
«Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?»
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: «OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?»

***

 

Gorilla

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. «Now try lifting your dress up your thighs» … this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, «Now, tell HIM you have a headache.»

***

 

Bats

A vampire bat came flapping in for the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. «Okay, follow me» he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. «Now, do you see that giant oak over there?» he asked.
«YES, YES, YES» all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy.
«Good» said the first bat, «because I fuckin didn’t!»

***

 

Duck

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, «Got any duck feed?»
The clerk tells him, «No, we don’t have a market for it so we don’t carry it.»
The duck says, «Okay,» and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, «Got any duck feed?» Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, «Got any duck feed?»
The clerk says, «I’ve told you twice, we don’t have duck feed, we’ve never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.» The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, «Got any nails?»
«No.»
«Got any duck feed?»

***

 

Lippy Parrot

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, «And why don’t you get me a whisky, wench.» The stewardess, flustered by the parrot’s outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man’s cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, «And get me another whisky, you ugly bitch.» Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot’s whisky but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, «I’ve asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now so I don’t have to see that disgustingly hideous face of yours any more!»
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, «For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy bastard.»

***

 

Cows

The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for $200. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. «Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side.» The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, «Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?» The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. «You are truly a wise Vet,» they said. «How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?»
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, «My wife is from Wisconsin.»

***

Wife

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: «When I’m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.»

Wife: «No, I can’t marry anyone after you.»

Johnson: «But I want you to.»

Wife: «But why?»

Johnson: «Jones once cheated me in a hourse deal»

***

Potatoes

Newlywed wife to her husband:

«That is why I can’t stand you — you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don’t like potatoes.»

***

Doctor

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, «Since we are the best of friends, I would not insult you by offering payment. But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will.»

«That is ver kind of you,» said the doctor emotionally, and then added, «Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…»

***

Plain English

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, «Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.»

«Well, in plain English,» the doctor replied, «you’re just lazy.»

«Okay,» said the man «Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.»

***

Drinking

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, «I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.»

«In that case,» said the patient, «I’ll come back when you’re sober.»

***

Drummer

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, «I’d like to look at the accordions, please.» The owner gestures to a shelf in the courner and says, «All our accordions are over there.» After browsing, the drummer says, «I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.» The store owner looks at him and says, «You’re a drummer, aren’t you?» The drummer, crestfallen, says, «How did you know?» The store owner says, «That ‘big red accordion’ is the radiator.»

***

Still nothing

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, «Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!» The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, «If it doesn’t work, let me know.»

A week later the guy is back: «Doc, still no movement!»

The doctor says, «Hmm, guess you need something stronger,» and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: «Doc, STILL nothing!»

The doctor, worried, says, «We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?»

«I’m a musician.»

The doctor looks up and says, «Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!»

***

Cello

A young woman is taking cello lessons. She’s not all that good and during a particularly lamentable practice session, her teacher can’t stand it any more and says, «Lady, you’ve got between your legs an instrument that, if adequately caressed, could give boundless pleasure to you and thousands of other people; and the only thing you seem to be able to do is to scratch and scratch it!»

***

Tuxedo

An eccentric lady was in need of a piano player for her upcoming party. She placed ads and spread the word but could not find a suitable one. A bum knocked on her door and when she saw the state of his condition, she answered, «Go away.» He said, «Please, won’t you just give me a chance, I’m a piano player.» She was desperate so she let him in. After his performance, she couldn’t believe her ears. «Wow! That sounded great, best I’ve heard in years. What was the name of that song?» The bum answered, «Oh, it’s ‘I Love Me Wife So Much I Took A Big Dump’.» «Oh» she says, «How unusual, would you play another?» He proceeded to play another tune and again she was astounded by the performance. «That was fantastic» she said, «What was the name of that tune?» «That one is called ‘I Took My Wife From Behind And Made A Mess All Over That Carpet’.» «How unusual» she replied and said, «You’ve got the job, but please do me a favor and if anyone asks the names of your songs, please don’t tell them. And do something about your clothes; you look terrible. Go and buy a tux for the party.» The bum was happy about his new job and had never bought a tux before and wound up getting one that was three sizes too small. At the big party, the crowd was amazed at his performance once again. He bowed at the crowd back and forth and ripped out the whole rear end of his trousers. One lady stepped forward clapping and said, «Sir, you are a great piano player but do you know you have a hairy ass and your balls are hanging out?» With a smile, the bum replied, «Lady, know it? I wrote it!»

***

Humorous stories for speeches

You can tell these funny jokes to your co-workers and kids without getting in trouble

Anger vs. Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, «Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?»
The father replied, «It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.»
With that, the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, «Hello, is Melvin there?»
The man answered, «There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?»
«See,» said the father to his daughter. «That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . .»
The father dialed the same number again. «Hello, is Melvin there?» asked the father.
«Now look here!» came the heated reply. «You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of nerve calling again!» The receiver was slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, «You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.»
He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, «HELLO!»
The father calmly said, «Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?»

***

Problem Child

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, «You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquillisers regularly.»
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, «Have the tranquillisers calmed you down?»
«Yes» the mother answered.
«And how is your son now?» he asked.
«Who cares?» she replied.

***

Kiss The Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

***

Good Business Sense

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken aback, and requested collateral. «Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce», the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, «That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.» The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
«Wait sir,» the loan officer said, «while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?» The man smiled. «Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?»

***

Family

A child asked his father, «How were people born?» So his father said, «Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.» The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, «We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.» The child ran back to his father and said, «You lied to me!» His father replied, «No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.»

***

Apples

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, «Only take one. God is watching.» Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, «Take all you want. God is watching the apples.»

***

George

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, «Is someone in your house?» and George said, «No,» and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, «Okay,» hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
«Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.»
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, «I thought you said that you’d shot them!»
George said, «I thought you said there was nobody available!»

***

Ice cream

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. «You might want to write it down,» she said. The husband said, «No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.» She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. «Write it down,» she told him, and again he said, «No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.» Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. «Write it down,» she told her husband and again he said, «No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.» So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, «Where’s the toast?»

***

Monkey

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, «Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey to the zoo.» The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, «Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!» The boy answered, «I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.»

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Talking Dog

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

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